Answers to the big question

Dear readers,

You may recall in my last post my young 4 year old friend David asked the all important question "how do you get the baby out?" to which I replied "i'll have to get back to you on that one." Now......14 days later I feel qualified to give an answer - just don't know if any of you have the time to hear it.

For most gory details Ed has logged the journey from his perspective on his blog http://www.overlandeddy.blogspot.com/ - he probably remembers more than me but here is my version of 'how you get a baby out' in 50 easy steps.

1: 8am waters break all over floor in true hollywood movie fashion. run to bathroom leaving trail of fluid on floor.

2: go into weird calm land where instead of ringing the hostpital, my doula, anyone... I decided I will hop on my email and cancel all my lunch engagements for the week while Ed dances about wringing his hands.

3: finally agree to go to hospital, arrive, don't like it, cry, say I just want to go home, bossy old midwife pats my leg and admires my ugg boots.

4: hooked up to monitor which is supposed to be babies heartbeat but sounds like I am carrying a group of mini racehorses galloping around the track.

5: It is agreed I can go home and have early contactions there - I go home.

6: decide that I want to make a lemon cake - odd cause I don't bake, or make cakes. Order Ed to stop at shops for lemons, icing sugar and butter between contractions.

7: have lovely lunch of lasagne chased by panadeine forte, feel great

8: forget to cancel Emma and Jason who call to come over, off my nut on panadeine, say "well I am having a baby but do come over anyway".

9: entertain E & J over cups of tea and contractions

10: go for walk to Mum and Dads, scare Mum by having contractions in the loungeroom - finally go home.

11: cake still not made, am anxious, cannot have baby until cake is completed. Start cake - contractions so strong I have to grip the table between mixing.

12. Cake in oven, watch big brother

13: cake out of oven, Ed has to finish icing as I am now screaming into cushions like a barnyard animal. Chloe my cat is so alarmed but wins my heart by running up to me, jumping up on me, pawing my shoulders and gently biting me as if to check I am still okay. She should be a midwife.

14: Cake finished head to hospital as contractions are now thick and fast. Ed calls Michelle the super doula and she agrees to meet us at the hospital.

15: Ed tries to drive and not lose the plot as I scream in car like pregnant woman in movie.

16: car park blocked off - Ed bashes on car park mans hut and demands to be let in. I am still screaming. have to walk from car park, oh the glamour, stopping every 30 seconds to have contractions. Surreal moment when some guy walks past and says to Ed, don't worry it's worth it in the end.

17: Arrive at front doors, while waiting to get in deliver 4 massive spectacular projectile vomits onto snazzy entrance pavers - shouldn't have eaten lasagne.

18: Am in so much pain I can't even see people's faces, midwife with annoying voice already giving me the shits as I announce first and foremost "I want an epidural' she argues "you've written that you want a natural labour in your birth plan, I don't want you to be disappointed" I growl back "I wrote that at work, GET ME AN EPIDURAL!!!" Michelle super doula arrives and confirms that I have changed my mind. Decide I love Michelle.

19: Waiting for man with the epidural...run between room and bathroom like a demented person half naked and unable to find a comfy position. Interspersed with extremely loud barnyard noises that I didn't know I could make.

20: Discover stupid bathtub, fitball, pillows, shower, music you name it totally suck and beg for chemical intervention pronto.

21: Become paranoid that no-one will give me an epidural and that they are all lying, start hissing like a nutter "are they lying to me Michelle? Where is it? Will they give it to me? Are you sure? Where is it?"

22: more barnyard screaming, too loud for my own ears

23: Jim the anethsetist arrives, does whatever he has to do - I don't care if I die at this stage. He puts something in my back and slowly the pain goes away as I shudder uncontrollably. Michelle and Ed hold me down.

24: numb, happy, good.

25: Everyone decides it's time I push - what a fast labour you will have they say. We get pushing. Pushing shouldn't take more than an hour - I look at the clock. I should have a baby by 1am I think. Ed and Michelle have to hold my legs as I can't feel a thing from the epidural.

26: Epidural wearing off, midwife suggests toughing it out cause it won't be long.

27: push and push and push. Pain getting unbearable again, start screaming for Jim.

28: Am told no-one can find Jim

29: Jim still nowhere to be found, now in total pain, no baby to be seen.

30: start throwing up between contractions - keeps me Ed and michelle entertained emptying bowls.

31: Michelle super doula unleashes her secret weapon, strawberry lip balm. It is the best thing that's happened all night.

32: Am now crying "I want Jim, I want Jim, where's Jim?" Midwife mistakenly says "here he is" and shoves Ed forward. I snap "no! Not him! I want the anethsetist!!".

33: Jim finally arrives, tops me up, pain doesn't go away. Tell midwife who doesn't seem to believe me.

34: pain still with me, still screaming, the search for Jim goes on once again.

35: hours tick by, pushing, vomiting, panting, resting. Still no bloody baby.

36: Realise that same Jack Johnson album has been playing on stereo for 4 hours, growl at Ed to change it. He puts on Norah Jones, Michelle informs us these are the two most popular artists to push babies out to. Disappointed we are so predictable.

37: stare at Michelles handbag, admire it and make mental note to ask her where she got it.

38: hear someone come in and say good morning - look at clock in horror and see that it is almost 6am. Still no baby.

39: Pain back, search for Jim back on, I start with the barnyard noises again.

40: Still pushing, feel like I will be trapped in this room forever pushing and listening to Norah Jones.

41: Start to lose plot, new midwife arrives, gets me to push, sees no baby is coming out and finally fetches obstetrician. Ob arrives just as I start to push and break down in hysterical crying fit. I am well out of gas and have no more to give - 8 hours of pushing has done me in.

42: Ob tells me that they will take me to theatre soon and will try and get the baby out with a vacuum thing, if that's no good it ceasar time. I cry with relief and she seems to think I am disappointed I'm not having a natural birth - she doesn't realise I just want this baby out. She then has to tell me the risks of a cesear which include cheery things like a total hysterectomy and death. I just hold her hand and cry as she tells me.

43: Michelle super doula has to leave cause she's not allowed in the theatre. I get all upset and hang onto her and don't want her to go. She is indeed so super she even moves Ed's car for him out of the car park when she is leaving.

44: off to theatre - I keep crying. Ed is now dressed like some spunky doctor from Greys Anatomy. I don't know what's going on so I continue to cry.

45: Big lights, Jim is back pumping me full of drugs, I decide I love him the best. Weird people everywhere, the sheet goes up the vacuum is produced and I have to do more bloody pushing. On and on it goes for another hour.

46: baby stuck, it's ceasar time. It's pushed back up the birth canal and the second team move in to cut me open. I advise Ed not to look and actually fall asleep as my insides are tugged apart and they try and get this baby out as I am that bloody exhausted.

47: Finally I hear an outraged sqawk and the announcement "this baby has a big head" - Ed and I laugh as he accuses me of the same thing all the time.

48: Some meanie says "what were you told this baby was?" I say "girl" and they say "oh well you'll just have to wait and see" I freak out thinking that it's a boy but luckily an outraged, bloodied, squashed looking nude Ivy May Browne is dangled before our eyes before Ed is swept off to cut the cord and mind her while I get stitched up.

49: Ivy May returned to me swaddled up like Afghan woman in a burqa. Am mostly dazed that I have a baby, Ed is crying so I decide to join him.

50: Ed dispatched with Ivy while I stay in the theatre to be stiched up, taken to recovery and then to the room to be reunited. Baby is out - hurrah!